Have you ever felt anxious waiting for a text from your partner or family member? Your mind telling you everything is probably fine, but your stomach twisting with worry that something must be wrong?
Or maybe you’ve had the opposite experience; feeling a need to pull back or create space when someone gets too close, even if you care about them.
While there’s no single explanation for all the ways we relate to others, these patterns can be traced back to our attachment style.
What Is Attachment Style?
Attachment style refers to the way we connect with others. It is how we seek closeness, handle conflict, and respond to emotional needs. It begins forming in early childhood, based on the bond we have with our primary caregivers. These early experiences teach our nervous system and brain what to expect in relationships: safety, consistency, or unpredictability.
Over time, these patterns become deeply ingrained. With awareness, reflection, and sometimes the help of therapy, we can develop healthier ways of relating to others and ourselves if we notice that these patterns of behaviors related to our attachment are causing distress in our lives.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They trust others, communicate needs clearly, and can handle conflict without fear of abandonment.
Example: “I trust that my partner cares about me, even when we disagree or spend time apart.”
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness but fear rejection or abandonment. They may overthink small changes in behavior or communication and need frequent reassurance.
Example: “If they haven’t texted back, I must have done something wrong.”
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Avoidant individuals tend to value independence and self-reliance. Emotional closeness may feel uncomfortable or even suffocating. They may pull back when someone tries to get too close.
Example: “I don’t want to rely on anyone—I’m fine on my own.”
4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. People with this pattern may deeply desire closeness but also fear being hurt or rejected, leading to push-pull behaviors in relationships.
Example: “I want to be close to you—but I’m afraid you’ll hurt me if I let you in.”
Wan to find out what your attachment style is? Take this quiz on psychology today.
Can We Change Our Attachment Style?
Yes. While our early experiences shape us, they don’t define us forever. Building self-awareness, practicing emotional regulation, and forming healthy relationships can all help shift attachment patterns toward greater security.
In therapy, this work often involves learning to notice triggers, communicate needs clearly, and build trust; first with yourself, and then with others. As you begin to understand your attachment style, remember:
“Awareness is the first step toward change.”
Doing the Work to Heal Your Attachment Style
Healing your attachment style takes time, patience, and compassion. Here are some steps that can help:
1. Build Awareness
Start by noticing your patterns in relationships. What situations trigger anxiety, withdrawal, or fear? Journaling or discussing these patterns in therapy can help make the unconscious more conscious.
2. Practice Self-Regulation
Learn to soothe your nervous system when you feel activated. Techniques like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or mindfulness can help calm the body before reacting to relationship triggers.
3. Challenge Old Beliefs
Often, attachment wounds are tied to old narratives such as “I’m not good enough,” or “People always leave.” With therapeutic support, you can begin to replace these beliefs with ones that reflect your current reality.
4. Seek Safe Relationships
Healing happens in connection. Surround yourself with people who are consistent, kind, and emotionally available. Healthy relationships help rewire the brain to expect safety instead of fear.
5. Practice Vulnerability and Boundaries
If you tend to avoid closeness, practice small steps of emotional openness. If you tend to cling or overextend, practice setting boundaries and tolerating space. Each small step builds emotional resilience.
6. Consider Therapy
Therapies such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly effective in addressing attachment wounds. A therapist can help you understand your patterns, process past experiences, and practice new ways of connecting.
A Final Thought
Changing your attachment style isn’t about becoming someone else; it’s about returning to the part of you that already knows how to love and connect safely.
Over time, these moments of growth create a more secure, peaceful way of being in relationships with others and with yourself.
