Have you ever found yourself agreeing to something with a yes when deep down you wanted to say no? Or felt the need to ensure everyone else's happiness, even when you were completely drained?
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many individuals who grapple with people-pleasing may not recognize that it frequently stems from past experiences, including trauma.
How is trauma basically defined?
Trauma is often defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that can have lasting effects on an individual's emotional and psychological well-being. We generally think of war veterans and childhood abuse survivors, but it can be a lot more than that and we can think of trauma on a spectrum.
Additional sources of trauma include neglect or abandonment at any stage of life, witnessing or experiencing violence, and going through loss of a loved one, or other major life changes. Chhronic stress or overwhelming life situations are significant contributors to trauma as well.
These experiences can lead to complex emotional responses, including feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, or a heightened sense of responsibility towards others. For many, the instinct to please others arises as a coping mechanism, a way to regain a sense of control or to avoid further pain.
The Impact of Trauma on Behavior
When trauma is not adequately addressed, it can manifest in various ways, including:
Difficulty setting boundaries
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Low self-esteem or self-worth
Overwhelm in social situations
Understanding the roots of people-pleasing behavior as a response to trauma can be the first step towards healing. By acknowledging these patterns, individuals can begin to explore healthier ways of relating to themselves and others, fostering a sense of self-compassion and empowerment.
Why People-Pleasing Feels So Natural
For many, people-pleasing started as a way to feel safe. Maybe growing up, love and acceptance were only given when you were helpful, agreeable, or quiet. Maybe you learned early on that keeping the peace was the best way to avoid conflict or rejection.
This is what trauma can do: it teaches the body and mind to find safety in whatever way they can. We often hear about “fight, flight, or freeze,” but there’s another response too; fawn. Fawning means putting others’ needs above your own in hopes of staying safe, loved, or accepted.
The truth is, this was never weakness. It was your nervous system protecting you.
The Cost of Always Saying “Yes”
While people-pleasing may have once kept you safe, as an adult it can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, or even unsure of who you are. You might find it hard to set boundaries or speak up about your needs. Deep down, you may worry that if you stop pleasing others, you’ll lose their love or approval.
But here’s the good news: people-pleasing is a learned pattern. And what is learned can also be unlearned—with patience, compassion, and support.
What can I do to change?
Healing doesn’t mean suddenly putting yourself first in every situation. It’s about slowly, gently giving yourself permission to exist as you are—without always earning it through others’ happiness.
Here are a few places to start:
Therapy and SupportTalking with a trauma-informed therapist or connecting with others who understand can help you see these patterns with compassion instead of shame.
Regulating Your Nervous SystemTry grounding practices like deep breathing, noticing what you see/hear/feel around you, or gentle movement like walking or yoga. These small steps remind your body it’s safe in the present moment.
Practicing BoundariesBegin small—maybe with a simple “I can’t take that on right now.” Each time you honor your limits, you strengthen your sense of safety within yourself.
Reclaiming Your IdentitySpend time exploring what you love, value, or need—not just what others expect. This helps rebuild a sense of self outside of pleasing.
Offering Yourself KindnessWhen self-critical thoughts arise, try replacing them with words you’d say to a dear friend: “You’re doing your best. You’re allowed to rest. You matter too.”
Journal Reflections
If journaling feels supportive, here are some gentle prompts to explore:
When I imagine saying “no,” what feelings come up for me?
In what ways did people-pleasing help me survive in the past?
How is it holding me back now?
What does safety look like for me today?
What are three things I value about myself that have nothing to do with making others happy?
A Final Reminder
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, please remember: people-pleasing doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you adapted, you survived, and you found a way to protect yourself when you needed it most.
Healing is about learning that it’s safe to be seen, safe to take up space, and safe to let your needs matter. You don’t have to earn love by giving yourself away, you already are worthy of love, just as you are.
